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Leah and Jessica already had played featured roles, so we wanted to showcase * that the audience might love her as we do.
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"No, sorry." |
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"Here's
a lovely bouquet of daisies I picked outside
Hedrick." |
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"I
did, but my dog ate them." |
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Slap
the bitch. |
Well, it's not really important. Let's go! Oh, hang on, just one second more.
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An
additional 15 minute wait. During this wait you: |
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Stand
in the doorway looking around at the inside of the
apartment. |
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Adjust
hair, collar, etc. |
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Run
finger around inside of nostril to catch last
traces of "angel dust." |
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Slap
the bitch. |
(We are now walking across the Sunset Plaza area)
ÖOn the walk over, I'll be talking about my classes, like this: So this professor has no idea what she's talking about, and my T.A. is such an airhead, she called Susan B. Anthony "that woman on the dollar," and I don't even know if I want to major in women's studies. My girlfriend is majoring in critical gender studies at UCSD, andó(breaks character) hey, your eyes are glazing over. Probably a bad idea. Okay, we'd better move on. Let's pick a place to eat. Where do you want to go?
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Puzzles: Where
It All Comes Together! |
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Caruso's: Where
It All Falls Apart, Especially the Pasta Sauce,
Right Into Your Plastic Bag! |
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Covel Commons:
Where It All Tastes Like Ass! |
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Hey, what the
hell are we doing eating on campus anyway,
cheapskate? |
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Slap the bitch |
(Sitting at an outside table) Maybe by this point, I'll be talking about my ex-boyfriend, and I'll say something like: Well then he transferred to Irvine for a quarter and found that he really liked it, but while he was there he got this job as an intern, and even though he got fired, he's now setting up E-mail for this whole firm ofó
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Nod and look
interested, saying "Yeah, oh, mmhmm" |
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Try to peek
down her blouse |
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"Are you going
to put out or am I just wasting my time?" |
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Slap the bitch. |
Okay, this is as good a time as any: when I talk about my last boyfriend, that's to get you to talk about your ex-girlfriend so I have some idea of what I'm following, get it? So I might say something like, who was the last person you dated?
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"I broke up
with my girlfriend the summer after high school." |
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"Does my
fiancée count?" |
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"Does my sister
count?" |
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"I slapped that
bitch too." |
Let's try throwing a curveball at you. (She puts a piece of food between her teeth) Okay. There's something between my teeth. What do you do now?
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Subtlely
indicate with your tongue that she has something
between her teeth. |
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Wonder why she
just intentionally put that food between her teeth. |
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Fantasize about
twins. |
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Tell a
recurring joke, like "Slap the bitch." Don't worry
if it's a little tired. |
At this point, we ought to figure out something to do. Some of you may not know this, but a lot of people go to see a movie or, if you want to look interesting but still don't want to talk to me, we can go dancing, or if you do want to talk to me but want me to think you're a drunk and will soon be fat, we could go bowling or something. So what do you want to do?
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Movie, I guess. |
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Wait, what were
the other options? |
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Is it too early
for sex? |
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What was your
name again? |
(Later, back at the apartment)
[No, the web page isn't screwed up, I just didn't write out the rest of the script.]
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