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I was impressed by Sean
Hart's hosting shots for the Greek episode,
so I thought I'd try my
hand at some conventional, sit-com style stuff.
Or, you know, some
approximation thereof.
PSYCHO
MIKE
by Myles
Nye
SCENE 1
BEN:
(To camera, furtively, as if hunted) Hey, what's up,
welcome to the show. Uh, have any of you noticed anything
strange about Mike lately? I mean, you know, besides the
usual, the whole hands thing and the old man haircut*.
ëCause, and I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I
have this weird feeling likeówell, like he's trying
to kill me. I know, I know, that sounds paranoid, but he's
been doing stuff latelyóI can't describe it, there's
just this funnyó
MIKE:
(Pokes head in from other room) Hey
Beee-in,
can I ask you a quick question?
BEN:
Sure, what's up Mike?
MIKE:
What kind of life insurance do you have?
BEN:
What?
MIKE:
Life insurance. You do have life insurance,
right?
BEN:
Uh...
MIKE:
Because it would be a shame if your loved ones and
descendents were left destitute if you were to have, say, I
don't know, an unfortunate accident in the
shower.
BEN:
Uh, Mike?
MIKE:
And I'm not talking about the kind of accident in the shower
that happens in prisons.
BEN:
Mike, I don't have any life insurance.
MIKE:
Oh.
BEN:
I don't have any life insurance, Mike, because I don't have
any descendents. No wife, no kids, just me. I mean, there's
my parents, but they aren't what you'd call financially
dependent on me. Rather the opposite, in fact.
MIKE:
I see.
BEN:
So no dependents.
MIKE:
No dependents, eh? Good, good... (Leaves,
smirking)
BEN:
(Back to camera) See??? Stuff like that! It's
starting to creep me out! Last night I dreamed he was coming
after me with a really sharp stiletto heel, and I pooped my
bed. And then I dreamed Mike ate my poo, but that's
unrelated. And I don't even want to get into the Snickers
Bars thing.
MIKE:
(Off camera) Ben? You smell kind of rank. Even from
here. Why not take a nice cool refreshing shower? Leaving
the door unlocked, of course, for health reasons?
BEN:
I'm telling you, something's up. I'll be back. But I ain't
taking no shower.
MIKE:
(Off camera) And this time don't make those funny
noises when you use your Herbal Essences shampoo. Because
that's just gross.
SCENE
2
BEN:
Hi, me again. I'm still kind of worried Mike might be trying
to kind of kill me or, you know, whatever. I've got ahold of
his video diary, tho, and I'm thinking that might contain
some kind of clues as to what he's up to. I backed it up a
few night's worth... let's see what Mike's up to,
huh?
(A
difference in lens or something lets us know we are now
watching Mike's video diary) MIKE: Dear video diary:
Today I ate a big breakfast, because breakfast is the most
important meal of the day. Then I went to class and took
notes. I really think I'm getting the most out of my college
education! Well, more tomorrow!
Dear
video diary: I'm starting to have second thoughts about
keeping a video diary. I mean, it's very Doogie Houser, but
I can't help but think maybe some unscrupulous person might
watch my tapes and be peeking into my private life. That's
not paranoid of me is it? Is it? You never answer. Stupid
video diary.
Dear
video diary: I came up with a great solution to my
questions of privacy and insecurity! There's this witch
doctor in town, next to the Expressmart, and I brought him
the video and he put a curse on it! So now anybody who
watches it will fall on a rusty spoon and get AIDS! Isn't
that great?
Dear
video diary: Boy, that Ben guy is starting to piss me off.
Sometimes it makes me want toó
(static)
BEN:
Okay, much as I want clues, I don't want to risk any curses.
There'd be a lot of disappointed ladies out there. Yeah, you
know who you are.
MIKE:
Hey, Ben, you're not watching my video diary are
you?
BEN:
Uh, no.
MIKE:
Aw, that makes me feel really bad, because I was just in
your room reading your diary.
BEN:
What?!
MIKE:
You know, I used to poop my bed. Then I went to this witch
doctor...
BEN:
Can we talk about this later?
MIKE:
All I'm saying: sacrifice a chicken and your troubles are
over.
SCENE
3
BEN:
Okay, I've decided a good strategy would be to take Mike out
to coffee. That's why we're sitting at this coffee shop.
This way I can try and patch things over in case he IS
trying to kill me, so maybe he won't want to any more, and
maybe I can get him feeling relaxed, so he'll let some clue
slip. Say, I hope he can't hear me talking to the camera
like this.
MIKE:
You say something, Ben?
BEN:
Uh, no.
MIKE:
Well gee whiz, Ben, it was awfully nice of you to offer to
take me out to coffee.
BEN:
Hey, my treat, buddy. That's what we are:
buddies.
MIKE:
Buddies.
BEN:
That's us.
MIKE:
Yeah, hang on a second. (Gets up, pause, returns) You
were saying?
BEN:
Well, Mike, I just wanted to chat, you know, guy
talk.
MIKE:
Gee, that sounds nice.
BEN:
Mike, did you ever, I don't know, kill a guy?
MIKE:
What?
BEN:
Did you ever kill a guy?
MIKE:
Ben, did YOU ever kill a guy?
BEN:
Oh, sure. Lots of times.
MIKE:
You did?
BEN:
Sure, who hasn't? I bet everybody's killed a guy at one time
or another. Sometimes you just have to, even if you don't
want to.
MIKE:
Well, I didn't think about it like that.
BEN:
In fact, one time I shot a man in Denver just to watch him
die.
MIKE:
Can you hold on just a second, Ben? (Gets up, pause,
returns) Now, what were we saying?
BEN:
Where do you keep going, Mike?
MIKE:
Oh I just need to keep checking on my letter
opener.
BEN:
Your letter opener?
MIKE:
Yeah, I want to make sure it's good and sharp, and not
rusting or accumulating oxygenation or fingerprints or
anything. That'd be a shame.
BEN:
Uh...
MIKE:
Say, speaking of fingerprints, I've got to go, because Ross
is having a sale on gloves and I'm going to need some really
soon. Catch you later, Benóthanks for the coffee.
(Leaves)
BEN:
That little weasel. Well, at least he didn't actually order
any coffee.
(Sound
of eleven gunsots)
BEN:
What the hell???
MIKE:
Don't mind me. Just practicing.
SCENE
4
BEN:
All right, I've tried snooping into Mike's stuff, I've tried
cozying up to him, nothing is working. I'm just going to try
the direct approach.
MIKE:
(Carrying a length of rope and passport) Oh hi, Ben,
what's on your mind?
BEN:
Mike, I don't know how to put this, so I'm just going to
come out and say it. Are you trying to kill me?
MIKE:
Kill you???
BEN:
That's right, kill me.
MIKE:
Heck no, Ben! I wouldn't do a thing like that! Why would I
kill you?
BEN:
Well, you're asking me about life insurance, and shooting
guns, and sharpening letter openers, and buying gloves, and
now you've got rope and a passport. What's going
on?
MIKE:
Gee, Ben, I wanted to surprise you! I was sharpening my
letter opener because I'm expecting a letter. See, I sent in
to win a trip for two to Antarctica to go walrus hunting,
and I wanted you to come with me! That's why I wanted
gloves, cause it'll be cold up there, and why I was
shooting. And the passport, to travel. And the rope is to
keep my luggage shut.
BEN:
Oh, man! I'm sorry I ever doubted you, buddy.
MIKE:
Well the thing is, now that you mention it, killing you is
actually a really good idea. I should have thought of
that myself.
BEN:
What?
MIKE:
It's curtains for you, chump!
(Lunges at Ben with the purpose of killing him with bare
hands. There is a cross-dissolve and Ben wakes up)
BEN:
It was all a dream... it was all a dream... (finds length
of rope on his pillow) Or was it????!!!!@@@@
MIKE:
(Enters in wig carrying knife) BWA HA HA HA HA HA
HA.
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