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Hoo boy. All I can say is,
it looked funny on paper. I thought a dating game would be a
good format for the show because we could feature a lot of
actors: one girl asking funny questions, three guys giving
funny responses. Then I realized if we doubled the guys, we
could get twice as many funny answers, and "Threesome" was
born. Too bad it was a crack baby.
If there's one thing people
ask me about this skitch, it's "Why Big Bear?" Big Bear is
Leah's home town, and although she had not yet joined the
show, I thought it was more than fitting.
You may also notice that
Carl Moren played Joe's partner, not Buzz Reynolds as the
script says. Buzz was unavailable for the shoot, and Carl
did a fantastic job.
LET'S
MAKE A THREESOME
A
Dating Game for the Mike and Ben
Crew
by
Myles Nye
ANNOUNCER:
It's time again for LET'S MAKE A THREESOME; it's all the fun
of the dating game times two! And now, here's your
host, a man who's been in more threesomes than Jack Tripper,
Joshua Soskin!
JOSH:
Thanks, Garth, and welcome to LET'S MAKE A THREESOME.
The rules of the game are simple; one lucky female
contestant will be asking questions of three pairs of horny
guys to find out which two of ëem get to ride her like
a Harley. To the victors go the spoils, and let's meet
this week's spoils. Garth?
[Announcer
reads while Roberta waves and looks cute]
ANNOUNCER:
Roberta Brodsky hails from Big Bear California. Her
interests include ice dancing, reading the works of Dario
Fo, self-hypnosis, amateur night at local strip clubs, and
Petrarchian sonnets. She names Judi Dench as an
inspiration to her and shouts out a big hello to her OB/GYN
Dr. Lipiski.
JOSH:
All right, Garth, get your tongue back in your mouth where
it belongs. How you doing today Roberta?
ROBERTA:
Just great, Josh.
JOSH:
So let's get down to the important stuff: what are you,
about a 36-28-32?
ROBERTA:
That's for the winners to find out!
JOSH:
Nicely rebuffed! Let's get Roberta alone into the
dimly lit sound-proof isolation booth while we introduce our
pairs of bachelors!
ANNOUNCER:
Bachelors number one;
JOSH:
[offstage] Can we pipe some Marvin Gay
or something into that isolation booth?
[Each
introduction is accompanied by footage of the people being
introduced]
ANNOUNCER:
Bachelors number one are Buzz Reynolds and Joe Walcek.
They enjoy long, candle-lit walks on the beach, boring weepy
movies, and anything else they think will get them
laid.
Bachelors
number two are Mike and Ben; as if you didn't see that
coming. They confess to being pretty confident that
they'll bag the chick inasmuch as this is their TV
show.
Bachelors
number three are Jason Eason and Kris Holcomb. Kris is
a mountain climber and novelist, drives a 58 Impala, and is
studying to be a gourmet chef. Long term, he says he
wants to work with epileptic children. Jason is a
student at UCLA.
JOSH:
[Irritated] All right, hogs, let's get this
lame-ass show on the road. I hope you have more luck
getting into Roberta's pants than I did getting into that
isolation booth. [Shouting off] Stupid
UCLATV security! Roberta, your dice.
ROBERTA:
Thanks, Josh. Hi Bachelors number one! If we're going
to have a good time together, I'd want you to take me out
first, maybe to dinner and a movie. What do you think
we could eat and what kind of film would you like to
see?
BUZZ:
Damn, woman, you want dinner and a movie take a plane
ride! [1st bachelors
high-five]
ROBERTA:
I see. Never talked to a woman before, eh, bachelors
number one?
BEN:
[From his booth] Not one that didn't
charge him 9.95 a minute.
JOE:
Hey! Don't make me come over there and beat your ass,
buddy!
ROBERTA:
Bachelors number two, I want some idea about what your
morals and scruples are before we get intimate.
Suppose you were in a long-term committed relationship and
one night the chick from the Doritos commercials showed up
on your door at three in the morning and got on her knees
and begged you to lick her naked body from head to foot like
a postage stamp. What do you do?
MIKE:
Well;
BEN:
Before answering that question, I think you should know that
we're going to say whatever we need to in order to get you
in the sack, but if you think going on a campus TV game show
is the best pathway to a long-term committed relationship,
you should be popped into a cell right between Winona Ryder
and Angelina Jolie, you get what I'm saying?
MIKE:
If you're through with your lame-ass pop culture references,
Ben, I'd like the chance to respond to this trick question,
and I say trick question because I would never be involved
in a long-term committed relationship UNLESS it was with the
chick from the Doritos commercial, in which case she could
show up any time and ask me to do anything she
wanted.
BEN:
Good answer, Mike.
MIKE:
We rule.
ROBERTA:
Not bad boys. Hi, bachelors number three!
JASON
AND KRIS: Hello.
ROBERTA:
Bachelors, some men think all women need to get them to go
from wanting to have a fight to wanting to have a little
tussle under the sheets is some Marvin Gaye music. You
two know better; what would you do to get me to stop nagging
and start shagging?
KRIS:
I'd do some card tricks.
JASON:
You'd do some what?
KRIS:
Anybody want to see a card trick?
JASON:
Can I just say that the guy I was supposed to be here with
didn't show up?
JOSH:
Ten seconds left to answer the question, Bachelors number
three.
JASON:
They just pulled this guy out of the audience and told me
he'd be my partner.
KRIS:
Go on, pick a card, any card.
JASON:
I don't even WANT to have a three way if it's with this
guy.
ROBERTA:
So, that's your final answer?
JASON:
What? No, wait, I would;
JOSH:
Time! Sorry about that, bachelors; looks like that's
going to cost you in the long run.
JASON:
Ah, hell no.
KRIS:
Wait, I messed up. Let me start over.
ROBERTA:
Bachelors number one, if we're going to have a three way, I
need to know that the two of you are going to work together
in harmony to bring me the most satisfaction.
[Flashing subtitle: "Really obvious joke
set-up"] So let me know your team strategy.
What's your approach?
JOE:
I'm all over this question. First we'd;
BUZZ:
No, I know the best way. I'd take off your;
JOE:
Dude, I already started to answer it!
BUZZ:
Man, you wouldn't know what to do with her even if you did
bag her.
[Flashing
subtitle: "Really obvious joke pay-off"]
JOE:
Shut up, dude, I bet you're still a virgin!
BUZZ:
That's it, candyass!
JOE:
Bring it! [They fight]
ROBERTA:
Well, looks like I won't be choosing those bachelors unless
I want some S&M action.
JOSH:
Yo, baby, I'm down with that scene.
ROBERTA:
Shush. Bachelors number two, I like to know what I'm
getting into before I start doing anything, particularly if
it's going to involve "making feet for children's shoes, if
you know what I mean."
BEN
AND MIKE: Huh?
ROBERTA:
So let me ask you one simple question: if the three of
us were alone, stripped down to only what God gave us,
moving, gyrating, pulsing in a primal rhythm until we became
an indistinguishable mass of moving, licking, moaning, and
kissing, what would you want for a snack
afterwards?
[MIKE
and BEN have passed out]
ROBERTA:
Looks like I won't be picking them unless I'm into
necrophilia!
JOSH:
Man, you are one weird chick.
ROBERTA:
Finally, bachelors number three, did you have a favorite
children's book as a child?
KRIS:
Ooh, I know! I know! I liked "The Runaway
Bunny."
ROBERTA:
How about the other bachelor?
JASON:
Uh - yeah - "Runaway Bunny." Either that or "The
Giving Tree."
KRIS:
Yeah, I always cry when I read that one.
JASON:
My mother used to read it to me- it still makes me think of
her.
ROBERTA:
Well those two are obviously gay, so I think they'll be much
happier with each other than they ever would with
me.
JASON:
Man, she is one weird chick!
KRIS:
This one isn't your card either?
JOSH:
All right, Roberta, you've eliminated all the bachelors.
What are you going to do?
ROBERTA:
When all is said and done, Josh, I'm a conventional sort of
girl; I've soured on this whole threesome idea anyway.
There's only one man for me, and he's all the man I'll ever
need. And that's Myles.
JOSH:
Myles? Why Myles?
ROBERTA:
Because he wrote this sketch so I have to say whatever the
script tells me to.
MYLES:
[Reading Dario Fo] Bitchin'.
JOSH:
Thanks for watching LET'S MAKE A THREEWAY. Tune in
next week when we'll have a chick who's not
frigid.
ROBERTA:
Hey!
ANNOUNCER:
LET'S MAKE A THREEWAY has been brought to you by
"Misogyny." Misogyny: half the world's population
can't be wrong about the other half! Also brought to
you by "My Dinner": "My Dinner: Woman, where is
it?"
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