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Rizwan's title: "TOW all
the midterms"
Originally aired Monday, February 21st, 2000.
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Introduction:
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In a
post-modern, Mr. Rogers-esque obviation of the
fourth wall, the production staff admits that
they have no idea how to open the show and
proceed to open the show with no idea.
Featuring:
Rizwan
Kassim,
Sean
Heckman,
Roberta
Brodsky
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Opening
credits
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Hosting
sequence #1:
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Mike and
Ben welcome us to the show, announce that they
have been once again relocated, and Ben
introduces the following piece.
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Mike
and Ben, Spirit Leaders of UCLA:
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An
entourage of cast members attempt to garner
support for this world class university's less
than stellar basketball team. Their cheers
fizzle and they turn their attention to mocking
the ticket holders and figuring out how to sneak
into the arena.
Featuring:
Mike
Pesses,
Ben
Larson,
Joe
Walcek,
Buzz
Reynolds,
Tim
Heiderich
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Hosting
sequence #2:
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Mike
observes that he has an old man's haircut. One
wonders how the old man feels. Meanwhile, Ben
prepares an alcoholic beverage with a common
household iron and makes fun of Mike's speech
impediment.
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The
Truth About Diseases at UCLA:
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Or,
"Things Your Orientation Counselor Never Told
You." Three young well-wishers give perplexed
bystanders a heads-up about the many perilous
health hazards that lurk in cell phones,
ambulances, fountains, and other surprising
places on campus.
Featuring:
Joe
Walcek,
George
Velasco,
Price
Peterson
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Hosting
sequence #3:
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Ben combs
his hair to a towering obelisk.
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The
Hard Side, with Chet de la
Jolla:
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Homeless
denizens of Pauley Pavilion are the subject of
this hard-hitting documentary. The piece charts
the slow, painful discovery of Mr. de la Jolla
that the vagrants camped out under the eaves are
not homeless people but rather students waiting
to get tickets to the basketball game.
Featuring:
Sean
Hart
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Hosting
sequence #4:
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In
keeping with the nomadic spirit of the hosting
sequences in the last few episodes, Ben moves
under a chair to continue his combing
activities. Mike, heard off camera, searches for
the stuff that will make the show funny.
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Free
Porno Passes, Anyone?:
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Our
heroes offer free movie passes to interested
students. It slowly becomes clear that they are
offering tickets to adult movies. This
revelation fails to discourage most
students.
Featuring:
Mike
Pesses,
Ben
Larson
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Hosting
sequence #5:
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For
perhaps the first time ever, we see the boys as
a terribly small person might, as the camera is
now situated on the floor. Mike tries his hand
(Mike hands, ha ha!) at a segue into the
following skitch.
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Roberta
Brodsky's "Channel 29 News" [independent
student film]:
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A
"Weekend Update" style feature featuring
tongue-in-cheek political humor and slapstick.
Man-on-the-spot reporter Guy Rimshot aggravates
the fervent preacher Brother Jed.
Featuring:
Mike Maloney, Jacob the Camera Guy, Intern
Kevin, Sean
Hart,
Roberta
Brodsky
(cameo)
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Hosting
sequence #6:
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All
kidding aside, our guides profess their love for
this fine country and the repugnance of
censorship in all its forms. Mike appears to
have grown taller, but don't be fooled.
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Closing
credits:
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A
continuation of the lethargic introduction, in
which the production staff falls down and sucks
their thumbs. Modern dance follows. The Shanghai
Ped appears over the American flag.
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And she's buying
a stairway to the top
of this page
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