RIP E-mails

E-mails sent by and to the Mike and Ben team as the final episode was being concocted (if there's no specific "to" line, the message was sent to the entire writing and production team, the entire cast, or both):

From: Roberta Brodsky
Subject: Filming for LAST EPISODE!!
Received: 5.21.00 10:24 PM

Hey y'all,
This is the last episode of the year, so we really need you to be
here this week for the shoots. The whole idea is: the first part of the
show will be as if Mike and Ben died. The second part of the show will
be "everything we always wanted to air, but didn't." If you have a
question mark by your name, let me know if you can make it or not (reply
or call 267-7669.) If you have or will be confirming a shoot, do not
miss it please. You are all an integral part of this episode. Meet at
the radio station for all shoots EXCEPT for the Wednesday at 9pm shoot
(that will be done in the dorms, you'll get info later.)

Monday 3:30 - Mike Negrete
Video - Roberta Brodsky
Equipment - Handheld, camera light

Monday 4:30 - Video Will Part I
Needed - * *(?), Lawrence Givens
Director - Myles Nye
Video - Roberta Brodsky
Props - Random stuff (writers, bring in the morning)

Tuesday 3pm - Documentary: Genius Assholes
Needed - Mike Pesses, Ben Larson, Judy Ashouri, Joe Walcek
Director - Sean Hart
Video - Roberta Brodsky
Equipment - Wireless Mic, Lapel Mic

Tuesday 5pm - Thor Hates Everybody
Needed - Thor Erickson
Director/Video - Sean Heckman
Equipment - Wireless Mic

Wednesday 2pm - Afterbirth
Needed - Mike Pesses
Video - Sean Heckman

Wednesday 5pm - Video Will Part II and Opening of Show
Needed - Mike Pesses, Ben Larson
Director/Video - Sean Heckman

Wednesday 6pm - Before They Were Stars
Needed - Ben Larson, Mike Pesses, Sean Mount, Kris Holcomb(?), Jessica
Moss, Carl Moren
Director - Ben Larson
Video - Crystal Liu(?)

Wednesday 9pm - Interview w/ Ex-girlfriends, Slumber Party, Breast
Cancer
Needed - Viara Juarez, Jessica Moss, * *(?), Leah Sprecher(?),
Roberta Brodsky, Judy Ashouri
Director - Price Peterson/Roberta Brodsky
Video - Crystal Liu(?)

Thursday 1pm - God Hates Asians
Needed - Nelson Hung
Director - Sean Heckman
Video - Crystal Liu(?)
Prop - Sign

Thursday 5pm - The Wake
Needed (w/ nice funeral clothes) - Leah Sprecher(?), Eric Fagundes(?),
Faisal Ahmed, Jason Eason(?), Josh Soskin(?), Ben Feller(?)
Director/Video - Thor Erickson
Equipment - Lapel Mic

(Next week - George's stand-up comedy, also Mike eating chapstick)

PLEASE GET BACK TO ME IF THERE IS A QUESTION MARK BY YOUR NAME. PLEASE.
Thank you and good night
Roberta

Okay, I just want to settle something once and for all.
My lovely lady friend's name is Viera. Viera Juarez. Viera "Loose Lips"
Juarez.
She was in tears for a week after her name was originally misspelled in
"The Day in the Life of Mike." Although Viara is a lovely name, it is
not hers.
Thought you should know.
Mike

From: Sean Heckman
Subject: One of these things is not like the other
Received: 5.21.00 11:18 PM

Hello everyone,

All right I looked on macster for "one of these things is not like the other"
and have come up empty handed. I tried a couple of different search methods,
but nill. At the moment I'm using this attrocious techno version of the
Sesame Street theme song, but the right sing would make all the difference in
the world, so if someone with a little more skill in the search arena could
possibly try and find the song I'd be eternally grateful. Otherwise it's the
song that I found.

-Sean

From: Roberta Brodsky
Subject: Equipment
Received: 5.22.00 12:08 AM

When you check out the equipment, do not return it to daily bruin until
the next morning. We are filming after 5 every day, so the first person
to check it out that day will simply check it out for a LONG time (using
Heckman's ID possibly?) and just pass it on to whoever films next. If
you see the schedule, it makes sense.
So, some of you will have check-out forms in your boxes, some of you
won't because you'll just get the equipment from the writer before you.
I'm also having you check out extra batteries so they can last the whole
day;.
Roberta

I don't know what the current situation is with the equipment, just that I
left it in the editing room for Sean, supposedly to use this Sunday. Where
it goes from there is anyone's guess, but just a reminder that it's STILL
checked out to me, and Sean I still have your ID.

-Tim

From: Sean Heckman
Subject: Re: Equipment
Received: 5.22.00 5:28 AM

it's here in the tv room, I'm going to hide it behind all the videos, wedged
between the videos and the DV rack, cool?

-Dipshit

Hey all,

Well * and Leah aren't too thrilled about the pajama bit, nor does Price
want to write it. So in other words, Jess and Roberta will do it, but I need
someone to take it on.

it'll be Wednesday night, and the resulting punch-line is that they have
breast cancer.

-Sean

From: Roberta Brodsky
Subject: Awards for the Banquet
Received: 5.22.00 10:59 PM

Hi everyone,
For the banquet, we want to give out some awards. Sometime this week
we want to have you fill out the awards survey... or you can reply to me
with your favorites. So here you go. (Be sure to watch this week's
episode, so you can know what you're voting for. You've watched every
other episode, right?) You can also write in a vote, and where there are
no nominees then you have to write in your own vote.
The best way to do this (cause there are a lot of categories) is to copy
what's below and put it on your reply and write your votes on it.
And be sure to go to the banquet, we'll let you know when that is later.

Thanks,
Roberta
p.s. Feel free to vote for whoever you want, staff/crew/cast, etc. If
you don't know enough about the category, you can leave it blank.

Best Bit:
- Art Molestation PSA
- Greg Vomiting
- Inconsequential Women in the 20th C.
- Bodyguards
- Rosa Parks
- Making Out
- A Day in the Life of Mike

Worst Bit:
- Psychiatry
- Rap It Up
- Michelle Kwan w/subtitles
- Let's Make a Threesome
- Rogue Cupids

Best Acted Bit:
- Fight Back: Kris
- Rosa Parks: Lawrence
- Love Confessions: Buzz
- Fraternities: *
- Religious Confessions: Joe

Best Use of Music:
- French Nouveau: artsy french music
- Eating Poo: Girl from Ipaneema
- A Day in the Life of Mike: jazzy piano
- Making Out: happy music

Best Editing in a Bit:
- Vagina
- Snickers End Credits
- Hart 2 Hart
- Satanic Messages in Mainline
- Star Wars Duel
- Book Fair w/ Sean Hart

Best Non-cast member:
- Viera: A Day in the Life of Mike
- Jeff: Sudden Student Death Syndrome (face down in inverted fountain)
- Mike's kitty: Doggies and Kitties in Space
- Matt (crazy guy): Fun in the Rain
- Matt (poontang guy): Day in the Life of Mike
- Crazy Muslim: Albert Carnesale
- Willow: Shooting Semen (soap in the mouth)

Most Memoroable Moment:
- Jessica with a tampon
- Greg 69'ing a statue
- Greg vomiting
- * with a baby
- Jeff dead in the inverted fontain

Best Quote:
- "Damn hard-hitting stuff"
- "Full-blown AIDS"
- "May I have your attention"
- "I'm all talk"
- "I shoot semen everywhere"
- "Ugly chicks"
- "If all this is true, why are there no railroad stations named after
Hitler?"
- "Call me, Michelle. I'll wait for you"

Best Mike Quote:
- "That's how bitches talk"
- "Oh Fudgina, you tasty tasty bitch"
- "Beee-in"
- "It's Valentine's Day (with hand gestures)"
- "Yeah"
- "Don't make the doin' it noises"

Best Ben Quote:
- "Oh my god, I'm so scared"
- "Sup, fag"
- "Here's a quarter, go get yourself some boobs"

Best Never-aired Bit:
- Sassoon Sassoon
- Real World
- Arcade
- Usual Sockspects
- Fluffer
- Undone Bradley Interviews

Best Swimsuit:
- Greg Snyder (Speedo Guy, Fun in the Rain)
- Roberta Brodsky (Speedo Guy, Fun in the Rain)
- Jessica Moss (Before and After)
- Ben Larson (Before and After, Fun in the Rain)
- Sean Hart (Fun in the Rain)
- Sean Mount (Fun in the Rain)
- Thor Erickson (Fun in the Rain)
- Joe Walcek (Fun in the Rain)

Best Drag Queen:
- Myles Nye (Before and After)
- Sean Hart (Prostitution PSA)
- Kris Holcomb (Prostitution PSA)
- Sean Heckman (Prostitution PSA)
- Mike Pesses (Prostitution PSA)
- Ben Larson (Before and After)
- Rizwan Kassim (Rizwan Kassim)

Most Creative Use of Food:
- Blood Fight: boysenberry syrup
- Eating Poo: Candy Bar
- Snickers: Snickers
- Vomiting: Food and Diet Pepsi

Worst Joke Never to Tell Mom:
- Fecalphiliac Pornography
- Bloody tampon
- Coathanger abortions
- Joe's jokes in the religious confessions

Best Looking:

Best Couple:

Please never mate:

Most reluctant cast member:

Less clothing please:

Best Whore:

Most likely to show up:

Most likely not to show up:

Most patient girlfriend:

Biggest Bitch:

Biggest Asshole:

Most chronically racist:

Most likely to replace Mike and Ben:

Largest LAPD file:

Most incompetent:

Lifetime Achievement Award:

From: Myles Nye
Subject: Slumber Party
Received: 5.23.00 1:10 AM

If somebody else can be there to film on Wed., that would be best. Maybe a videog? RB and JM are both good enough actors/directors that I trust their impulses (and this is hardly the most challenging piece. Not even any Snickers bars). If we can just have someone there to make sure they aren't out of frame, then we're set. Let me know how it goes. Feel free to make changes/additions/subtractions.

Hi ma'am,

Has anyone heard the song "Ben" by the Jackson 5?? It's this overly
sentimental, excruciatingly sad song about someone named Ben. Like
high-pitched vocals, violins, etc. Will we be needing sad music which
mentions someone named Ben in any of our upcoming episodes? If so, this
might be a good song.

Your friend and mine,
Baltimore Jones

From: Ben Larson
Subject: Re: The Jackson 5
Received: 5.23.00 2:18 AM

yes, i agtree that this "ben" song should be played repeatedly through the show!!! thank you for bringing that to our attention...

From: Sean Heckman
Subject: Re: Awards for the Banquet
Received: 5.23.00 6:33 PM

Hey everyone,

If you're going to Email your votes, please send them to Rebecca,
smurf9@ucla.edu. She's going to handle all of the awards stuff for the
banquet. We also have plenty of hard copies available, so you can fill one
out at a shoot, and I'll bring some to the next couple of show viewings.

THE BANQUET WILL BE 10TH week. However I'm holding off on announcing the date
until the details are finalised.

-Sean

From: Sean Heckman
Subject: GET YOUR SHIT DONE BY SUNDAY
Received: 5.24.00 11:52 PM

Greetings,

I have some extremely personal business to take care of on Monday, which
means I must get the show done by Sunday at midnight. Since it takes a
shitload of time to put the show together, I need everyone done by Sunday at
2:00. If your bit isn't done by then, it ain't goin' in.

Normally you guys are done by then anyway, but just so I've said it, it HAS
to be done, because I can't be in here at all on Monday. So please help me
out here, get it all done by Sunday. i know a lot of you aren't done yet with
your bits, so I really can't stress it enough.

PLEASE LET ME HAVE MONDAY OFF.

-Sean

From: Myles Nye
Subject: Rizwan in the headlines
Received: 5.29.00 2:09 PM

From a Newsweek online article on Napster copywright violations:

"Meanwhile, the Napster Generation keeps searching for tunes, keeps downloading them and doesn't bother with concepts like intellectual property. "I sympathize [with bands, labels and music publishers] in the capitalist sense, but the technology isn't stoppable," says Rizwan Kassim, a 19-year-old sophomore at UCLA. Kassim's own experience is instructive. As one of the alleged violators identified by Metallica, his account was shut down by Napster. But Kassim simply began a new one under another name, and kept on downloading. He also stopped listening to the band, in any format, deleting all his Metallica tracks from CDs he burned using Napster."

Fifty bucks says if the show goes on late tonight he'll blame it on Napster. They took the tripod too.

-M.

From: Sean Heckman
To: Myles Nye
Subject: Re: Opposite Day
Received: 5.30.00 1:26 PM

I was about to send you an Email about that, but you beat me to it asshole. I
make no excuses, I honestly forgot it. Since we didn't have the writers
meeting I didn't know where everyone's stuff was nor did I have a list of it,
etc. I was really tired having just driven several hours from Las vegas, and
it simply didn't occur to me.

My sincere aplogies, it will go in next week's show. I take full
responsibility.

-Sean

Ok, I guess you guys don't care about editing... otherwise you would
have all sent in your preferred times...

Mike is editing Wednesday afternoon but needs help...
Sean Hart is editing Thursday at 6pm.
Mike, Sean Heckman and Tim are editing from Friday morning through the
weekend.
Thank you
Roberta

Um, is there anyone that can help me with my thing?
Most Sincerely,
Michael
P.S. By "thing" I mean penis.

can i edit friday morning? thats the day i have no class and thats when i can get the piece done ( have a have a paper to write the next 2 nights... ) so yeah. is that cool. can those 3 goofballs with ghonnoreah edit after me>???
<B>

Hello everyone,

Well thanks for all getting back to me with your day and time requests.
Picking a day was hard as hell, because none of you could make it on the same
day, and many of you had very good reason to miss certain dates.

In the end, however, the decision was made by Jerry's due to their
availability. So it wil be:

Thursday, June 8, 7:00 PM at Jerry's Famous Deli!!!!! (right here in Westwood)

I know not all of you can make it, and I'm very sorry, but this was a very
hard date to call.

For those of you who don't have finals, plays, or graduations to attend,
you'd better fucking be there. We need to bring a minimum of 20 people, so
PLEASE BRING DATES. And if you can't, then bring one for me, or two.

At the banquet we'll be giving the usual send-off speeches, etc., and of
course, our end of teh year awards. If you haven't voted yet, get a hold of
Rebecca now (smurf9@ucla.edu) to make sure this gets handled.

And finally, dinner for everyone is on me IF someone can bring Michelle Kwan.

Sound good? All right, see you all then.

-Sean

Hello everyone,

The camera was unfortunately "loaned out" because it was thought that since
we were done filming we don't need it. It won't be back until Sunday.
However, not to worry, I've been getting it all settled.

We'll basically be using the Mainline camera, here's the deal
1. They're filming tomorrow morning and then briefly Friday afternoon. Other
than that it'll be in here for capturing, so we can pretty much use it.

2. PRICE, I need you to get all of your filming done tomorrow afternoon and
evening. Call me tonight, 82409948 so we can schedule it.

Otherwise between us and Mainline we can share to capture things.

-Sean

From: Kris Holcomb
To: Sean Heckman
Subject: RE: THE FIRST EVER TV BANQUET
Received: 5.31.00 4:13 PM

Oh, crap, I knew I should have invited Michelle Kwan when I ran into her this morning. And I was so looking forward to inviting her to finally meet you, the infamous Sean Heckman, the 'Mike and Ben Show' producer, who has a crush on the famous Michelle Kwan, would reknown Olympic Figure Skater. That's what happens when I, the omniverous Kris Holcomb, am not informed. So, I'll be there.

Just one question: Who can I bum a ride from? Because, I don't know where Jerry's is, and if I did, I'd need a ride, because it takes forever to walk down there to Westwood.

-Kris Holcomb

From: Kris Holcomb
To: Mike Pesses
Subject: My Skit Review
Received: 5.31.00 4:38 PM

Hey, Mike, wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssssssssuuuuuuuuuuuuuuppppppppppp. It
has been a long while since we both have conversed through e-mail via this
blasted doomsday device which you humans have so thoughtlessly labled the
computer-internet world. Yes, I know, it's so difficult to comprehend my
memos, when I choose to incorporate words that are beyond the basic knowledge
of the simple and weak-minded. That is my tribulation for living as a Jedi,
that I live forcibly as a genius who has words flowing through every vein and
artery of his brain, creating synapses at speeds millions of times faster and
more powerful than your strongest computers. I point the finger of truth
towards the midichlorines that inhabit my cells, 23,169, to be precise,
showing my exact strength to be higher than Anakin Skywalker. I can beat that
punk kid, anytime, anywhere.

(Long wait)

I think I'm slowing down now to normal speed. I hate it when my brain goes
too fast sometimes, because I get these massive anurisms when I slow down to
normal speed. How's it going? I never saw you on Monday, so I have not been
priviliged with the opportunity to ask you how you are. I saw the skit I
wrote. I just want to say right now, that it could have gone much better if
we had gotten around to shoot it at the same time. Instead, it was shot at
different times on different days, and you could hear that the sound was
anything but the best that it could be. I would have liked to have improved
the 'Dance' itself. And I realize that the editing could have gone a bit
smoother. And not to mention the 'disasters' themselves. I just would have
liked to have made a better shoot, that's all. Anyway, enough about my skit.

There is, in my opinion, a skit that may be feesable. It's the one labeled
'Americas Least Wanted' or 'Americas Most Unwanted', it's one of the two.
Either name considering, it is in my belief that this skit would be just as
funny, funnier, or unfunny with more under your skin, depending on what turns
you on even more, Mike. Either way, I have more faith in 'Americas Least/Most
(Un)Wanted'.

Think about it, and let me know your thoughts and feelings. Okay? Okay!
Later

-Kris "Public Enemy #1" Holcomb

P.S. I am looking for a few people to take photographs of for a portfolio
that I am working on. It's just a couple of pictures that I have to take for
something that I'm doing independently. I have no money to pay anybody with,
so we may have to work something out, like me paying in blood, women, men,
whatever, or nothing at all. I just need 5 people for a period of time of no
more than an hour total. Forward this message, asking whether people would be
comfortable and interested in having their picture taken. Remind that that
it's not going to take much more that 45 minutes, 1 hour at the maximum. I
would really appreciate people helping me out on this. All those interested
should email me (my address is holcomb@ucla.edu). Thank you for the
consideration, Mike.

-Kris Holcomb (holcomb@ucla.edu

[Mike forwarded the above message to the writers and to Joe Walcek with the following message:]

I say we all get together and have Kris take our pictures.
Love,
Mike

From: Joe Walcek
Subject: Re: [Fwd: My Skit Review]
Received: 5.31.00 5:39 PM

From: Price Peterson
Subject: Re: [Fwd: My Skit Review]
Received: 5.31.00 6:23 PM

Yeah, the "Dance of Dishonor" sketch was thoroughly ruined by the editing.
I feel so bad for ruining such a marvelous script.

B. Jones

Hello all again,

Can everyone please Email me where your finished bits are located? I want to
make sure that I remember to put them all in, and in order for Tim and Mike
and I to gel it all we need to view everyone's shiznit by tomorrow.

-Sean

From: Rebecca Rosenberg
Subject: Mike and Ben Awards
Received: 6.4.00 12:46 PM

Hey guys -
I'm tallying up all the votes Monday night after the show, so if you haven't voted
yet, make sure you get your votes in. You can either e-mail it to me or come to
the veiwing tomorrow and fill out a ballot. I'm attaching another copy to the
bottom of this list just in case you need one.
:)Rebecca:)

Hello all,

As you all know, the last show of the year airs tomorrow, so what better way
to mourn the loss of our dear friends Mike and Ben than to join in a group
vigile tomorrow at the usual time, 10:00 PM in Sproul Entertainment Center.

-Sean

I can hardly WAIT to read about the actual final episode of "The Mike and Ben Show"!